More succinctly,

I can and will speak clearly.

I will deposit my last check from my last job in the saving account when it comes.

My pay from the new job will be directly deposited into my checking account march 17.

I agree to the dates set out in Bongafish’s counter proposal as well as the terms.
As Bonga pointed out on the phone with me last night , these are her first thoughts and she si just one person.
But as far as having 2009 as the scope for repayment that is the time frame I committed to participate in Azania,I green that.

I will like someone whom I who knows first hand what I do, who experienced me living couch surfing at her place, lived with me and shared her resources and paid a large portion of my rent over the course of a year with the expectation that I would be ensuring that I like everyone else would be working to their full capacity to make the house , a collective of five, work and last. Here too I invited others to carry me- and I communicated even less. Eventually after the rent money that was paid for me by the two white women in the household began to accumulate our relationships were strained and eventually all members parted ways to some extent.
My mother took her money and paid what most of what I owed.
I would like my mother and the woman who I deceived and used, to sign or at leaset be aware that a) I have recreated a situation where ihave profited from a community I said I wanted to build and in not feeding ti and supporting it, I destroyed it.

so i think to what i was about to do in relation to repayment. i am still offering things that arent mine. or- things that should they be given to me i am not accepting or asking them with an understanding that i am to give something back. so in the case of this store discount... Imyself don’t have a discount I don’t work there. I just committed to taking something from someone who I don’t know- seeing no reason why they would not be generous with me.
And offering him exactly what I did with azania- saying I would offer you something – but I don’t have anything to offer.

I still don’t have anything- the money I make here I already spent on me- Its everything that was given to me while I said hold on .I'm is coming.

If I were to step out of this I would look at myself and say good. Good for her. A whole lifetime of people just giving her things- of her creating a politic and spiritual understanding of the universe as everyone needs to give me things. The universe gives me things. People who have a lot of things and make me pay for it are bad. Everyone needs to band against these thieves who are stealing what’s rightfully mine.
But you can t have mine- because I don’t have anything. And what I do have, nontangibly speaking (love, attention, engagement)- I’m afraid to give you. Because then I’ll have less- or because then I would have to wonder why I’m taking everyone else’s’ when I can have/make my own.
Oh yes! Because then it would leave me with no other conclusion than TAZ! You don’t want to work. And because you don’t want to work- you would have it so that no one else worked – and you wouldn’t be so conspicuous in your not working.

But guess what. My not working is on the backs of other people working. So I’ve chosen to not look at how it is I take from those who are working so that I can continue to subscribe to my we need to not be working philosophy.

But when I go to these jobs I really do get enraged- I cry and stamp my feet. It isn’t right. How is it we sit in cubicles all day and make money making nonsense- how is this life? What have we done? Surely I must be on to something when I say no – we need to be breathing. Living. working , yes, the land- but

(screeching halt- in that second I could almost hear darkdaughta asking on whose land? Are you going to share your analysis of “working the land”- being on first nations land- or does that complicate your philosophizing Taz ?)

One of the many things darkdaughta observed in my actions oven the course of this year in Azania was that I presented myself as altruistic often as an acceptable seeming , even evolved cover for something I didn’t want to be seen as (or admit to myself that I was). I wanted to be the generous sharing compassionate healer. i haven’t done this. I haven’t been this.
.Maybe I’m not stamping around for anyone but me-
enraged that I’m busted and I’m just crying for me because my career as a mooch stealer has ended.