tres themas

three themes: biafras dream - what i 've hidden- the smugness. the chart- what ive known. the knight of cups- who i am.

Biafra kunk had a dream she told me about i the summer. Azanians other than myself had all gotten tattoos and had spent a lot of money doing it. i later revealed that i knew someone who did tatoos and everyone was mad at me for not having shared that resource. we were all at a party at what was supposed to be my house -she had said that there was metal on the walls of my kitchen and she kept cutting herself on it. someone hostile was there - everyone was so mad at me that their jugment was impaired and they got into a car with men who tortured everyone. everyone but me. everyone was scattered , she said everyone was hurt. and no one knew where anyone else was. she said she recovered first and went to look for the others - she said people had start to regroup and everyone was found in the end.

i remember being very frightened by the dream. i was far from a place where i was claiming having done or wanting to do sabotage azania. though that was being said to be and observed by others.
i was months away from actully getting it. feeling it beleiving it.
i certainly knew that i had a filing cabinet full of potential resources that i had not followed through on sharing beyond "hey you guys should come over and see if there's anything here that might be of interest to you and your respective projects. "it was very hands off. when i would put forward a name of an individual or organization i did'nt ever include any further thought on how exactly i saw what happening. i didnt offer any energy insofar as vision or direction. to me at the time i figured "oh they know their projects better than me.. it would be patronizing to say more".

the truth is i didn't dare. i didn't risk. and on top of that that i wouldn't motivate myself to do the work
i only do the work when i am sure. when i am emotionally secure. yes i wait for such a time.
my "feel the fear and do it" anyway book suggests those times are fleeting because with every new level of risk we enter into and through we find ourselves at another level of risk and the fear is there. demarkating that unexplored territory every time.

i can say quite honestly at this point- before i risk, that i am not looking forward to the cycle continuing to go into risk endlessly- but i also figure after risking i may find that i didnt kill me so perhaps i can continue with less resistance...
and theres more -i have had conversation with darkdaughta about risk - what comes of it when you do it- the dangers of not and what happens (azania happens) what happens to the risk taker when they exist in proximity to non risk takers.
knowing that i was causing harm has not been enought to have me risk.
fast forward the process yes,
it seems will alone, knowledge alone is not enough to catapult me into action and actualizing.

i am thinking about tools i am thinking about time and i'm thinking about the collective enrgy effort of all azania.

the things i was afraid of the most, more that my domination script of what will others do- say- how will they hurt me how can i hide ect. i s the things i hid from myself.
because i disrespected myself.
i disrespected the internal criterias that judged where my interests actually lay - where my sexual self actually lay- what my energetic reality had been
and i was falling short in my own eyes.
i was beating myself up in my own eyes and trying to force and cajole others into putting into words the punishing words i was saying internally ( but denying doign it as well.) even coming to azania. was a massive massive peice of self delusion.
christ. venus mars in scorp. hiding from even myself. unreal.

i ve only ever done anything when i've been sure.
i haven't done much of my own volition because i am rarely sure enough (ie not pushing through risk enough )
ah my astrologer had saidthat there was such harmony in my chart that then things would be hard id find it especially difficult.

so my identity is one that enhances/ create that harmony she talked about.

thes past months i've been trying to consolidate all the bits of information
about who i am in order to be sure - and to act to move into action from that place.
and sure as in ready to accept myself. maybe thats what the hold up is. i am fighting a self revealing
i am fighting a self acceptance i beleive is inevitable.
but it will be messy i will complicate myself. to myself and to anyone whose known me both in and out of azania.

i have been thinking about biafra krunks dream a lot recently. i n the past months of daring to even write to myself with the eventual intention of making it public
to speaking more frankly to strangers. ie your the first politico i've ever said that to . i guess i want to figure out a way to make astrology politically relevant



i am a fear eater- i am fascinated by other peoples fear. it feeds me - fear is a energetic version of passion for me. excitement of escorting someone through fear. - the expereince of not being afraid and being able to share it- but less altruistically the power and control of experiecing myself /being expereince as calm and collected in the face of high emotion.
aside:you know what. putting myself in opposition to fear is really not a good idea. fear is useful to me - fear and i are really close. hell i have used fear to delay movement and action in my life to keep myself comfortably safely stagnant when that suited me. and it might have suited my my whole life had azanians not know the worth oftheir lives time and resources. there. you have a multilayed relationship to fear Taz. Deal.

i like to see it up close- not directed at me though)
i had started writing a bit about fear and was starting to collect tools suggestions, observations about how to go through tfear.

i found that the image anchored me. the memory of darkdaught once saying to me hang in there. and the image from dune of the initiation ritual of the hand in the box.
the border was also a useful anchor to remember when i was trying to cheat the process of just being real.

self acceptance.

one of the public committments i made to myself last kwanzaa was that i was going to accept myself. whats the word...when you give yourself up. sumit relinquish...
no.
more to come.
Bonga Fish suggested that my posting unedited, unfinished posts would ensure that i finished them.
here goes.