piecing myself together

i'm 31 years old.

i have pieces of myself to work with.

the void for me is not nothing actually.

i am surrounded by all these pieces- pieces that since the past two years have been brought to me, pointed out to me.

given back to me when i had tried to "lose" them in other people's pockets.

hurled the sharpest of them covertly ( surely i could not do so overtly - that would mean that i would be saying plain as day- this piece is me too.

hurtful sharp and aimed to maim.

i have not considered myself wanting to or capable of doing actual harm until i've seen myself do it-

see myself be ruthless

kill by neglect

starve withdraw and withhold emotional energy.

starve myself of everything

everything i need

neglect myslef out of a need to punish myself

to suffer, to not feel worthy

while simultaneously acting in ways so selfish and self-obsessed that it could only come from someone with a superiority complex.

i have one of those too.

thinking that my power is redemptive

externalizing everything

and i took. i took everything from everyone

i am the void and i have not filled it with myself

i have filled it with every other living and not living thing i could.

i have denied it

denied my humanity

"Ereshkigal had always felt the pull to feel and experience the Unknown. Now she chose to go where no one had gone before, to stay in the uncharted realms of the Great Below, to fill up its Emptiness with her Being. Her voice then resonated loud and clear in all worlds of Creation, Heights Above, Middle world, over the edge of the Earth and, for the first time, echoed in the Depths Below: ‘ I claim the Realm of the Depths, the Underworld as my domain.’ " (http://theoldpath.com/sereshk1.htm)