fog lifting

i have the sense
from time to time
that i come up for air.

that i've been somewhere
- but don't really know i'm there
until i have the feeling of being right-side up again
until i realize

"i'm back".

in my community it's referred to as tantruming

but its feeling heavier and heavier for me.
less active, less i'm gonna do something rash
somebody's gonna pay.
it's less external.

i 'm still acting out make no mistake.
still creating actual tangible harm
but i don't care

not about anyone else
not about anyone else's pain
or the harm i've caused

previously i didnt care
now i'm feeling the i dont care
like a deadening nothing
which has likely been occupying my life since forever.

my community members have talked about how i have sat on their lives.
here too i have replicated the restrictions i have placed on myself(yet talk about freedom)

but now the all wrong upside down naked nothing feeling
is so overt so tangible-

no one has to do anything to me for me to feel it(which was always the case- but i was projecting it on others- saying they were the cause)

its no longer the point
now its a total absorption regardless of anything else
with this radiating frequency of UGH
now i'm feeling this place feel like it really resides in me.
it sits on me.

my jaw clenches and feels as if its magnetized shut.
pulling closed.

there is no placid pretty on my face for people in the subways
i think i scowl as i read

i look up face frozen in it and people look away
in mirrors i look at myself and i don't even care

i see someone coldly

i am weary i look at myself . i don't reset my face to make it more pleasing to me.
i know- we know. i am not pleased.

the flat empty is accurate
the mirror and i agree for once

so i introduce myself
empty on the inside
with lots of valuables hanging off the outside

not unlike a trap.