the 2 faces of disaster

awesome.
i 'm starting to understand why i have hours and hours and hours of writing that i routinely lose. i just finished another post, two and a half hours of typing. i was really pleased that i was going to be able to post it and not hoard it. i had two windows open, one of a saved version and one an unsaved version- the more recent one. it was ready to send, i was just going to go to other sites to see who in my community capitalized their names and who didn't . then . done.
the post was about care, about how i've created so much damage with my own stuff and so much loss in relationships that i've chosen shutting down feeling in regards to damaging people's things and damaging and losing relationships as well.

- i also was talking about how the things that i loved to do i had kept to myself- and the damage i cause is what i ensured got discussed exclusively cause thats what i brought to the table consistenlywithin Azania- so in this post i was amazed at how unsure i was writing that knowing where the moon is through the month is actually something i want to do more of came out all skittish and embarrassed - a stunted piece of expressing, while talking about what my passive aggression looked like while breaking futons and dishes, flowed really freely.

so anyhow i really liked that piece of writing. it felt full, i felt all communication-y and when i went to the other site the warning window popped up saying I was leaving the page and unsaved work could be lost. I went anyway thinking oh, I'm sure my writing is on that other window. But I didn't bother to check. I took that chance- that I could lose everything and I did.

i think about my relationship to Azania here

While I was on the other site I said ah wait you know if that was my window, that could be bad. Let me check. Too late, both windows were now reverted to their original pre - 2hrs of writing state. And I thoughts its a wonder I don't kill myself with disappointment when these things happen. I should have saved it.


That' s when it clicked! I had just been writing about care. To save something means to take care of it. People who care about their things safeguard them. I'm always losing my work because I never "remember" to save it. I can't share my things because I don't have any, cause I keep losing them or destroying them or in the case of my words I keep not saving my work. Because why? I don't value my time , my work, my life. The life of my mind.
That's what's gotten me here in the first place. Undervaluing my worth, my time and then doing the same to everyone else. Expecting that they have nothing better to do than to undervalue themselves right along with me. Self-hatred is my norm.

wow. this is really serious.this a bedrock problem. that means that any endeavor, anything i take on will be infused with me not valuing my self. nor the work nor the outcome nor whoever else...wow i wonder if i think less of azanians because they've associated with me. yes i think more of people who don't make any time for me than those who do- i ve seen this in action since gr 9! i didnt know what it was about mindyou.
and this is the taking for granted.
i see it in how i demonize my mother who was "there"and idealize my father and uncle who were hands off or plain old gone.
it's all coming together.
shit i need to sleep and get to my horrible job tomorrow.
this is exciting in a twisted kind of way. that i should feel exciting about understanding the impact of my complete disregard for my life. but i think i'm on to something.

taz