so there are three books i'm reading right now. Moving into Balance: Creating your personal pathway by Barbara Larrivee , Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers and Descent to the Goddess: A way of Initiation for Women by Sylvia Brinton Perera . The first two speak to me- they're very wordy, but the last one sings. it's a short book where every scentence is dense with imagery. its food for thought that last and lasts. It's part of a book series called Studies in Jungian Psychology by Jungian Analysts. its taken me weeks to read 50 pages.

it doesnt escape me that i lied immediately to bongafish about this book's existance the day i bought it.
i had manufactured guilt as an excuse to lie, because darkdaughta had offered her entire library of resources and i didn't make it so that i was creating and sharing resources as well, instead taking offer to be some unconditional, everlasting gift to be taken for granted - much like i took her presence and energy . when i had isolated myself right out of the collective house and shared library i bought two bookfor myself. where previously i hadn' t bought any to share. last year darkdaughta had suggested we all read wildwomen who runs with wolves at different times, recommending different chapters as she saw that we were dealing with issues that were addressed in the book. she made photocopies of the chapters so they'de be available to everyone .
and i think now how pleased i was to see references in the two books. that seeing the themes repeated made reading the book - "feeling" the book- valid .
i got a stop it i gotta stop i gotta stop needing permission for everything,
i needed permission from dark daughta to consider the very language and symbols i had grown up with to be valid within this context.
i read the un mothered mother in women who run with wolves and its my own stuff. i dont think this stuff should be valid. i don't think deep down that these stories should be given so much weight. that it cant be valid psychotherapy if its talking anout mystic symbolism s and godesses. that s nonsense. all that stuff my uncle told me is not solid. not real when compared to no nonsense types of psychological analysis.

and even so, i didnt want my uncle seeing me doing anything that might have him think that i was acting on what he had been saying,..that i might believe what were just stories to the point of acting on them. he certainly wasn't. i didnt see him acting - i would ask, he would say it was his going out into the night, to the bluffs, riding, alone. looking at the moon.

i felt that he wasn't doing the rituals ,wasn't pagan, wasnt interested in what anyone else who might have similar interest might be doing. hmm my uncle had no community.
wow i guess then moving things from idea to action constituted an act of betrayal, a non alliance with him. because i was good with coming to him and saying you know uncle i was thinking about what you were saying about the moon, yet i would nt have ever have wanted him to see me putting my crystal water decanter under the full moon to charge it.
like what he was saying was to be contemplated- not done.

also at play is its my own stuff about the content. my own inability or unwilinness to talk about or commit to my spirituality or its foundations in my relationship to my uncle.


i did alot of lying the day i bought this book.

i haven't wanted to admit what motivates me - what i believe in -
i who say i dont trust anything i dont experience for myself.
me who wants to test everything against my own understsnding , experinece- before beleiving it. before agreeing with it..
me who refuses to integrate anything upon which i have not stamped ownership - cause then it would be a foreign body in me.and when i think that it makes sense that that should be undersirable i then have to ask "but really... who am i but a collection of input from outside ofmyself from the moment i was born?".this has for years and continues to disturb me deeply.
if my individuality is a lie then i am out of my own control. then there is nothing nothing nothing solid or reliable in this world. if my own self- my own mind, my own perception is not my own then there is not ground - there is no "i". very distubing
it unsettles me these qustions bring me to a place of asking so who is this me i keep refenceing then- this me that wants to be "just me"?.
the me who wants to say write her thoughts on any given topic before reading books published on said topic so as to not be influenced and have my thoughts corrupted. the me who kept trying to keep darkdaughtas questions at bay because they were not my own - and i knew and didnt want the resulting understanding of myself to be stamped with anything else but the result of my own musing. even as i was slowly coming tot realize the accompanying truths - that me myself and i were not my friend, and that musing to myself was and had been circular for some fourteen years because of the very fact that i had no one in my life who i was sharing my thoughts with meant that well i was drawing on only my own logic. or i should add - the logic of the mainstream the logic of my bio family.