So this is one of the first things that I've been hiding .
if I had thirty minutes to blurt before I don't know, I died or something - I would say there have been very few people who have tried to get to know me period. To better love me , or in order to see what the possibilities of working and building together were, or to coax me out of myself just to see who they were dealing with. There have been very few.
there have been very few who have sustained through the unsustainable situations I create to test whether its safe to come out. I would do this not consciously, by the way- its only in hindsight that I can see the myriad ways I test to see who's really interested. Who really cares and who can last- who has it in them to see me through my own self exploration, and where it takes me. Who will earn the dedication of who we find at the end of it. And that is the end game. Total emotional commitment. Funny- even when that's not being asked for, that's my setup. Its what I want to give. Its what I want to get. Oh here come the tears.
gone.
good.
who holds to their word, their politic in the face of anything- my own invitations / seductions to lure them away from them included. All strategies are good when I'm acting out of insecurity.

and that is the place I 've lived in and acted from :who will leave me and how can I preempt that.
anticipate that, create that in a way so that I feel Icontrolled it.

now as Azania lies burning, I can see that I have been the one to consistently leave myself. I have put myself through the most torturous and fully avoidable hardships - to see if I would abandon life? I certainly came to that point and chose to stay. To see if I would consider myself too monstrous and harmful even after I had destroyed the culmination of my life' dreaming - the vision of Azania. That I had knifed the woman who had offered me the most complete love I've yet experienced- beyond what my biological family could offer. Would I then leave me?