i'm publishing this so that i dont hide it out in draft form . its readable but barely. lots of threads

the versions of leaving modeled- - i had asked zanamito at a later meeting whether he had ever gone through something difficult and come through the other side

leaving .the dialogues i am having with myself are about lookign at the aspects of what i know-that i guess the question is what have i actually learned - when i say i hace moved and grown work and consistencey-about cutting off not communicating and trust

i shouldnt lie to myself. i think i would make really self destructive choices to spite azania if i didnt agree to be accoutnable - i would do things that would be hurtful to me primaril;y but in my passive agreessivity im sure i would ensure that word got out that it was in reaction to my time in azania that i was doin all this strange shit-
example: today i was thinking and feeling resentfull that so much of who i present myself is a reflection is the result o f azania - i was annoyed that i would have to reference dark daughta all the time and i did nt want to - i didn twant to appear so intellectually emotionally dependent- so malleable so influenced- the very thing i keep inviting (non azanians) into


what i know i am strugglin g with.
and i am.
its the same struggle with myself no matter where i am
-why i am moving.
i dont want to be here.
i dont want the landlady around
i want no one in earshot
the one person i am saying i will be accountable to now - what will that look like

.the move and distance
is it my father all over again?
i dont think its him verbatim- i think it is also honouring myself- my life my expereince

-is my taking this space regardless of anything or anyone light skinned privelege?

my saying the w ork of honesty or communication in a group that can/will take it to a certain place is not crucial to me not immediate to me would certainly be different i felt it was survival for me.

commitment ritual to myself- i do want azanians to witness it - not so they can watchme prioritize my lightskinned skinny straightpresenting self - but it might be of interest because i t is hinged-
actually no that's energy i want
i think maybe it s enought to just do the things i said i would do to repay.

but what do i want my relatonships to look like? like food in the fridge - do i want to request energy and attention in a context where i am participating fully ?here again i have a reaction- that sounds like comparison , competition, domination, set up of others' expectations of me""what are MY expections of me? what would i expect full participation to look like?
i dont think its so different from what others have outlined - ii thjust think that i up to this point have refused to own it. to say this is mine to create- azania is MY community - i am giving My time energy - life to- what would i expect of someone coming in ? what was it i had been asking when i was thinkign about an organization, a collective? passion. i had said the first critieria was that the person say clearly that the work we would do would dovetail 100% with what they wanted to do - not as an aside from their lives - or wone more thign to do- but rather it was their lives and they were passionate about it.what would i do with someone like me who is assertin that they dont have a plan - a goal - a direction in life and that thats their thing- thats they were in fact passionate about not building nonsense schemes that were lies. no more over promising -lying - distracting others from their work because they wanted their attention and validation. christ . flash o f me relating to an older blck woman at a carribean community center and ho w i had courted her - then started asking myself sone questions about why - beyond seeming powerbrokering - or manuvering- why was i doing it consistently

...flashing to being in darkdaughta' s kitchen pre azania adn talking about wanting to create a school- but then throughout 2 years of not doing that recognizing that it was a relationship tha i wanted- it was relating , thinking, feeling, that i was asking for and simultaneously reacted to and recoiled from.



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