cut off at the pass

I just skimmed through a few posts from 2006.
What a mess.
It's so perfect a strategy: I hid actual, cohesive thoughts and feeling under a layer of illegible writing with no punctuation and no spell check. I mean, yes, at the time I was practicing presenting outwardly how messy I was discovering my internal world to be- but boy! I can barely wade through a paragraph of that stuff.
And that was my KEEP AWAY: writing, posting, yet still hiding.

I find Taz of 2006 exhausting.
In 2006 my whole community had found me exhausting but I had my head too far up my own issues to be able to respond in any compassionate way.
I’ve made enough space in my head and heart to be able to say I’m sorry.
Still little hard to say…
But Sorry.

I'm back posting again because I am reminded, after reading (trying) those older posts, how much of me was a tantruming child/teenagefuckyou bitchgoddess. In 2006 I was trying to deny this behaviour hardcore. But the observations were astute and the evidence undeniable.

I no longer consider her some embarrassing anomaly to my otherwise altruistic and pleasant disposition. She can't sneak up on me spoil the good (read likable) girl effect because I no longer present as good. or nice or helpful or peaceful. I actually really really wanted be a good(read likeable)girl. I couldn’t understand why I insisted on being so unpleasant and badly behaved. It was like a monster in my basement.
Turns out I just needed to give her attention. Now when I feel something "unflattering to my self image" bubbling up I let her have it out and I find it does me a world of good to let loose with some childish irrational rant. or tears. or joy. or strange noises. whatever.

So as I'm writing that I'm excited that I have come to some landmark of growth and maturity in the previous post , I thought it would be wise to cut off possible future tantrums at the pass by just giving 5 year old Taz/teenage fuckyou girl/bitchgoddess the floor now

HOW DARE YOU!
HOW DARE YOU LOVE ANYBODY ELSE BUT ME?!
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! I'M THE BEST EVERYTHING! IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU INSANE?
YOU DON'T LOVE ME AT ALL!
YOU LOVE EVERYBODY ELSE BUT ME!
I HATE YOU
I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN
BOY ARE YOU GOING TO BE SORRY!
PUNISH HIM!
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

Whoooo! Aw! That's so awesome- I can't tell you.
Try it at home!
And the beauty is, now I won't do that. Cause I can look at it on the page and on the one hand laugh at how silly it is and on the other hand know that I’m due to give myself a hefty helping of love cause, well, at the end of the day that's what all this and all kafuffles are about.
knowwhadimean?